Welcome Aboard the SS Primitus
by Mrrego01
Summary: "Buy-n-Large wouldn't fill a ship with robots that had any chance of killing the passengers." Calvin shook his head trying not to think about how ADM or AUTO just treated him. "Yer givin' too much credit to BnL... If they believed they wouldn't do that... Why'd they give you the gun?" Charley asked pointing at the gun on the captain's hip.


The cheerful and familiar jingle of BnL played in the background as the CEO stepped confidently to the center of the screen with a perfectly white smile and well groomed and styled hair.

"Hello, and congratulations on being the first humans to fly in our state of the art recreational starliner, the S.S Primitus." The CEO of Buy-n-Large read clearly from the teleprompter behind the camera as a word art of the words, 'S.S Primitus' demanded themselves onto the screen. "If you're watching this," he began as the music started to fade out, "It means the initial launch was a success and you are not currently burning alive in the cold vast emptiness of space where no one can hear you scream." He joked as an unnecessary animation of a stick figure with a frowning face on fire floating around space danced it's way onto the screen.

"Just in case you've been living under a rock for the past thirty years, my name is Shelby Forthright. I'm the man you should be thanking for whisking you away on this star crossed vacation. The good people working for me at Buy-n-Large are fully responsible for every amenity and life preserving thing you see on the ship, including the ship itself. So what are you waiting around for watching this darn video? Sit back relax and enjoy your one year cruise on the Primitus." Shelby nodded as he held out two fingers with both hands. The Fanfare of "BnL!" concluded the introduction as the screen snapped back to darkness.

The ship was now well away from the only planet Captain Calvin had ever known as home. He turned from the screen to the window and took a few moments to admire the unparalleled magnificence of space.

"Captain." A metallic voice interrupted. Calvin jumped a little bit and turned around. Before him was a six and a half foot tall robot who, despite being incapable of human emotion, had a strange look of tiredness to his pulsating green eyes. "I do not believe we have made each other's acquaintance. I am the Advanced Directive Manager, or ADM."

"A pleasure to meet you, ADM." The captain said in a tone he wished had been more formal. Despite being across the entire earth and in every respectable state in the Global Union thanks to Buy-n-Large, Calvin was never quite sure how to speak to robots. It was simpler to speak to people, especially when you were captain of the Global Union Coast Guard. Though he did appreciate the formality. ADM turned his head to the screen Calvin was watching earlier.

"Have you been enjoying the president's messages?"

"Enjoying may not be the correct word." The captain snarked.

"What can be done to make them more enjoyable?" The robot responded without a single beat of silence. Calvin found himself tense at how forceful that response was. He exhaled quietly and calmed himself.

"I only meant I watch them out of obligation, just in case there is any information in them that I need to see. They are enjoyable for a single viewing at the beginning of a year long flight no doubt, but I wouldn't watch it everyday for fun." Calvin corrected. ADM acknowledged the correction and said,

"Captain, My primary directive is the optimization of this ship and others like it. I manage all directives of each robot on this ship to compensate for whatever it is that you or the other passengers need for the following year."

"Fantastic, keep up the good work then, ADM. I won't be needing your services personally, but it's nice to know there is someone keeping track of things on this ship." Calvin said, adjusting his hat. He made his way to one of the many control panels and checked on the ships components from the screen to make sure everything was still as good as when it left the planet. Calvin was not actually as confident as he had just talked himself up to be. His only exposure to this technology was the simulations and whether he passed them or not (though he did pass a vast majority of them) the people in charge of the simulation assured him that the AUTO robot would be sure to cover whatever he didn't know. ADM's eyes flashed from green to white then back to green.

"New directive observed. Sub-protocol Z-020: Activate AUTO." He droned. Suddenly a hatch in the ceiling opened. A white wheel with a single red eye descended into the room. It's voice was much more ominous than ADM's and it was much less courteous too.

"Captain, I will be operating the ship from this point on!" It demanded. Calvin turned to ADM with an undignified look on his face. ADM's eyes blinked again.

"Altering behavior module." ADM said. AUTO twitched and its eyes pulsated.

"Captain Calvin. You really should be enjoying your vacation. You will be notified when your services are needed." AUTO seemed to correct itself. Calvin narrowed his eyes at the wheel then suspiciously turned to ADM.

"I was hired as captain of this vessel-"

"New directive observed. Protocol A-009." ADM blinked as he turned and rifled through some drawers. He turned holding a tablet and hand held recorder. "Record the first captain's experience on the S.S Primitus." He handed them to Calvin who was becoming increasingly frustrated.

"And what exactly am I supposed to do with these?" The captain raised an eyebrow.

"The tablet contains every message from the president and can receive messages from him as they are produced. The recording device is for sending your feedback to the Buy-n-Large corporations headquarters for optimization of future starliners. That is your directive, Captain." Calvin was starting to get sick of the word, 'directive' already.

"I wasn't aware I was one of your robots." He growled as he walked down the stairs to the main recreation section of the ship. Calvin looked around the small city that was the S.S Primitus. It really was just a flying city. Billboards, skyscrapers, malls, restaurant, movie theaters, you name it and it was there. Of course, a big "BnL" was stamped on everything, but that was nothing new. The captain took the recorder and pressed the button on it.

"Captain's entry 1: Please program these robots to remember who is in charge here. I didn't spend 20 years serving in the Global Union Coast Guard to be told my service isn't needed by a damn pile of -"

The recorder buzzed and the words "Please clean language" flashed on the screen along with a picture of a cartoon face with tape over its mouth.

"I didn't spend 20 years of my life serving in the Global Union Coast Guard to be told my job on this ship is to let the robots do everything for me. I understand that was their purpose, but I can't help but feel a bit patronized when ADM insists I leave and let a robot do the job I was hired to do." He correct begrudgingly.

"At least I'm getting paid..." He thought as he strolled through the plaza. "And it is leaps and bounds more interesting than work back on earth." He decided with a smirk. Ever since Buy-n-Large basically bought out every other country and unified them, there was less and less need for a military with each passing year besides ceremonial reasons. Heck, crime even seemed to happen less and less often with known criminals just being paid huge sums to stop. It seemed to be Buy-n-Large's answer to everything. Throw money at it and hope for the best.

Calvin walked into a bar and found a place to sit. Not to drink, obviously, but he knew that would be as good a place as any to talk with real people. He had only just begun the voyage and he already had negative feelings for the robots. A North Montanan man (who _was_ drinking) looked at the captain and laughed.

"They replaced you too, eh? Hey Charley, would you look at this guy? The captain, already got shooed out by robots." He roared with laughter and took another swig and a half of whatever alcoholic beverage they served on this flight. A New-Hawaiian man laughed along.

"Sorry to hear that mate, no worries though, at least ya can keep yer fancy uniform, roight mate?"

"I'm sorry?" Calvin asked.

" Oh, go on mate. You can give up tryna' look good in front of 'em." Charley gestured to the robot bartender. "It's not 'loik they got feelings." He chuckled through the cup he brought to his mouth. Calvin did know what he meant, and he was currently of half a mind to agree.

"It isn't all that bad." Calvin shrugged and looked at the North Montanan man. "It could be worse. At least they are programmed not to fail their job."

"Oh yea, but they do a dandy job of making humans obsolete, eh?"

"It's a wonder they don't just kill us outroight." Charley lowered his voice and didn't take his eyes off the bartending robot who was helping another group of adults across the room. "Ya just can't trust 'em, mate. One moment they are fixin' you a drink..." He looked at his cup and swirled it around. "The next, you find yourself dead on the floor with a shiny BnL robot covered in your blood."

"Come on now, Charley you're scaring the poor guy."

"He's roight to be scared then! I seen it with moi own ois."

"Buy-n-Large wouldn't fill a ship with robots that had any chance of killing the passengers." Calvin shook his head trying not to think about how ADM or AUTO just treated him.

"Yer givin' too much credit to BnL... If they believed they wouldn't do that... Why'd they give you the gun?" Charley asked pointing at the gun on the captain's hip. Calvin forgot he even had the gun.

It was a prototype pistol that was designed specifically for rogue robot neutralization and (in worst case scenario) destruction. On its handle was two triggers. The first one was to unleash a condensed electromagnetic pulse that functioned more as a bullet than a wave. The one under it released plasma into the bolt, making the shot deadly. He had no clue how it worked, but it wasn't exactly his place to know. The New-Hawaiian man had a point though. Even when they gave him the gun they made no mention about why. Calvin stood up and tipped his hat.

"Well, Charley, it was nice talking with you. But I must be going."

"Heheh. Yea." He chuckled deviously. "Well if ya ever wanna talk with me again, you know where to foind me." He said smacking the counter with a grin. "Afterall, it's all free!"


End file.
